and for the millionth time I crawl into my bed, alone, with the smell of cigarettes and a beautiful boys cologne in my hair.
I want to know where it begins and where it ends. What exact moments impact your life, and when they’re just memories, what moments create voids? I feel like the last few years of my life haven’t really been adolescence as much they have been a journey to fill something. My two year relationship, the meaningless relationships prior to that one, the hook ups, the drinking, the moments I’m not sure whether to laugh at or regret. I’m aching for this feeling of wholeness. To feel complete, and satisfied. To feel the right amount of needed, and appreciated. Curled in a ball on the lap of a beautiful boy that doesn’t know my last name, the things I’ve done to feel something, or even my age…I’m not complete. I’m numb. I’m trapped in another world that gives me a sort of high. Boys, it’s like they all do it the same way, so it forms itself into a game. He nudges my arm, I nudge back. He traces his fingers on my leg, and reaches for my hand. He puts his arm around me. I lay my head on his shoulder, and here we are. His thoughts, and prayers on what happens next almost make themselves evident by the way his heart is pounding, but I don’t even think of going that far. Not ever. It’s just a game. I feel so powerful, so beautiful, so wanted. I’m satisfied for ten minutes of my ridiculous life, but you know that goes away and those high feelings leave me at rock bottom around 2 am.
I hate myself sometimes. Right now, more than usual.